The Writers’ Strike

The second week of the 2023 season is in the books and what a mess of a book it is—unlike the soon-to-be released The Immortal Words, which some are calling the greatest book of our generation. Who is calling it that? Some very handsome, very intelligent people. The fantasy football season, however, is clearly being affected by the ongoing writers’ strike as we have seen many of these tired plot lines before. First round  running backs having their legs bent in directions so far from logical they’d make fantastic Republican congressional candidates. Mid-round WRs and RBs being just barely good enough to keep on our benches because we hold onto that faint glimmer of hope that they may one day shine. After all, we drafted them and we are too smart to draft a dud—the key is to believe in them even harder. The list goes on. So long, in fact, that I have dedicated this article to highlighting the many tropes that these lazy writers keep dragging out of retirement.

The main character dies.

My Chubb is Broken (Taylor) 

We’ve all seen it. Early on in a show, we get invested in a character that dominates screen time and is often the biggest name in the cast. We laugh at their antics, we sympathize with their plight, we cheer for their successes. Then, before we know it, that character no longer has a head. Idris Elba’s Stringer Bell mowed down by Omar in The Wire; John Ritter’s Paul in 8 Simple Rules—admittedly, they went too far and axed him in real life, too; and most notably, the eternally-killed-off Sean Bean being properly beheaded as Ned Stark in Game of Thrones.

Other characters have such thick plot armor that not even emo music could hurt them. Nick Chubb, unfortunately for Taylor, is not one of those characters. For those of us that did not see the play happen live, we have Tom to thank for sharing the removal of Nick Chubb’s knee cap with our delicate eyes. Come on, NFL. This sort of NSFL gore is too dark for even George R. R. Martin’s Westeros. Next year, hopefully the writers spare us from this same dark, twisted fantasy that some NFL scab keeps subjecting us to. For now, RIP Chubb. Hopefully Taylor can find a way to write himself out of this one.

The Hawaiian vacation episode.

 I Am Kenough (Justin)

The Brady Bunch did it. Modern Family did it. Saved by the Bell, Full House, Sanford and Son—they all did it. What did they do? They went Hawaiian. Now, who can blame the writers for writing a tropical vacation into their show? Producers pay for the cast and crew and their families to fly out to paradise to spend a week shooting an episode that often feels out of place and does nothing to advance any ongoing plots. If I were a Hollywood writer, I would try to write as many vacation episodes as possible into a season. We’d be sucking down drinks in Barcelona, Thailand, and the Caribbean multiple times each season. Fuck those producers. Luckily, I can do the next best thing: suck down drinks on my couch and add anything and everything Hawaiian to my fantasy football lineup.

Tua Tagovailoa, as we all know, is a beautiful Hawaiian man that quarterbacks both the tropical-themed Dolphins and our hearts. He showed off in the first week by being the Top QB in the league, but struggled the following week against the Patriots that were determined to keep my cast and crew on the mainland. If defenses are set on keeping Tua in the studios, there’s something else Hawaiian to help lift this team’s spirits—the human puka shell necklace, Puka Nacua. While Makea (Puka’s real first name) is from West Samoa, his nickname, Puka, was given to him as a baby. Unfortunately for Puka, it is Samoan for “fat and chubby”. Luckily for me, that can easily be used to describe his share of the receiving load and tremendous start to his rookie season. Now, will this Hawaiian kenergy help drive this team to the fabled promised land or will this prove to be an unsuccessful grab by the crew that the producers will ultimately shut down?

The bad guys never stop winning. 

Team ntorchia (Nick); p.s. you goobers can name your teams.

It’s enough to make me stop watching a show. The good guys get sooooo close to winning, they’ve done everything they can to escape the clutch of the villains, they see the light at the end of the tunnel, they crawl through the muck to get there and BAM! The villain is waiting for them before they can finally be free. My least favorite example of this is that little fuck-weasel Ramsay Bolton in Game of Thrones. Hell, for several seasons, ONLY the antagonists tasted success and I nearly turned the show off for good when Theon became The-Off. Get it? Because he got his dick chopped off? You get it. 

Now, Nick does not have a bad team. They are not some ragtag group of destitutes that don’t belong in the NFL. Quite the contrary, Nick has the third most points scored at this early point of the season. They try and they try and they try and Nick gets soooo close to chomping on those W’s Jameis-style. Unfortunately, the Amandas would put up back to back weeks where the Dallas DST and Pittsburgh DST decided they would take great pleasure in chopping off Nick’s team’s collective donger. Losing due to a tremendous showing by a studly RB or WR? Most people expect that. Now, to lose in back-to-back weeks to massive defensive domination? Nobody expects the Defensive Inquisition.

One faction is poorly written and terribly balanced.

Team plug1234 (Aaron)

Writers will often have a favorite character to write for. A voice that they connect with for one reason or another. George R. R. Martin favored the chapters with Tyrion and Arya. The Warcraft writers had such a hard-on for Sylvanas that it ruined two expansion. J.R Shapland loves his Soja and Aleesa chapters so much that he writes them nearly twice as quickly as the others. It is, however, very common for writers to get too focused on one arc and neglect giving the same attention to others.  Aaron’s running back squad is clearly the latter. 

After a beastly first week where Aaron (does Aaron always draft an Aaron like I do a Justin?) Jones led all backs and he and Ettiene combined for 44.60 points, Aaron was forced to start Ettiene, Gus Edwards, and Joshua Kelley who combined for a total of 21.30 points. Jones and the suspended Kamara spent some quality time on the bench to round out a 4.26 average across all running backs. After such a strong first episode, did the writers forget that this faction existed? Did they write them off while they focused on the much sexier QBs and WRs? Who wouldn’t when Aaron’s QB is Jared Goff and gives us all pants tents every time we see him? Scratch all of this. Fuck those RBs. More Ryan Gosling look-alikes please and thank you. Good job, writers.

New character is too overpowered.

Touchdown Turnaround (Manders)

A new season begins and a new character shows up that is more powerful than anyone they have faced before. It’s never someone that is somehow weaker than our heroes, apparently power creep is an inevitability in these universes. The Saiyans are defeated and now here’s Frieza, the most powerful being in the universe. Goku shows up (late, of course) to Namek and goes Super Saiyan all over that fucker’s ass and all is well, right? Goku is clearly the strongest person in the universe now, glorious peace shall reign supreme. Wait—what’s this? Apparently some scientist on Earth has been creating some emo-ass Androids that are somehow even stronger than Goku, Vegeta, Gohan, Piccolo, and Future Trunks? Get fucked, earthlings. This cycle never ends and it gets to be exhausting. Sure, it would be hella boring if Goku just shat on every new bad guy that shows up, but it makes no logical sense that some unknown entity would keep showing up that is just baaaaarely stronger than our heroes. But with these hack replacement writers, here she is. Dark-Manders has risen and Goku is fucked.

Another week, another win. Dark-Manders is on a warpath, destroying planet by planet on her way to fuck up your season. Sitting at 2-0 with a nearly fifty point lead on the rest of the league, Dark-Manders shows no sign of slowing down her onslaught. With Tyreek Hill and the Sun God leading her offense and the indomitable Dallas Defense providing a ridiculous floor, will the Touchdown Turnaround team prove to be too much for the Z-Force B-Team All-Stars to handle? Is there another Saiyan lurking in the shadows, biding their time in the hyperbolic time chamber? Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z Manders Fucks the League!

The rich get richer.  

Baby Got Dak (Charles)

Rich people in TV shows and movies—and in real life—only seem to get richer. No matter what they do or how much they fuck up, they fall ass backward into success and fortune every time. Could a writer please just write a Riches-to-Rags story instead? A riches-to-shares-riches-with-the-poor story? Anything where rich people do not just get increasingly rich? No? Fuck. Well…

Three members are currently 2-0. One member is currently 2-0 in both Sleeper and the far more important and relevant Yahoo (ignore any relevance as to why I would say that). This man who knows no losses is none other than Charles. He started the first week by barely eking out a win against the lowest-scoring team of the week (sorry, Luke). But, in Week Two, Charles blew out the competition and put up the highest score of the week. Charles now sits comfortably in second place and is eyeing a third win against DiabeticDiabl0 this week. Now, to make sure that he does not get complacent with his vast wealth, Charles had to go and blow so much of his load on Jerome Ford that we should nickname him Monica Lewinsky’s dress. Boom, topical. Amanda said another reference of mine was too topical so I changed it. So, enjoy my Monica Lewinsky joke instead, bitches!

The down-on-his-luck nerd that somehow gets the girl.

Team DiabeticDiabl0 (Brandon)

Nerds that get the girl are a common trope for writers. Why? Many of these writers viewed themselves as nerds and dreamed of writing stories where their pens weren’t the only things that got sucked. Ipso facto, nerds get the girl in their stories. They are always too skinny, often inflicted with some chronic disease, and are always written too clever for their own good. No matter how inept they are, they still get the girl of their dreams. It’s such a trope that I just assume that any nerd is going to end up with the hottest girl in the show. Seth Cohen did it. And he’s my hero.

Brandon is 2-0. Let me repeat that. Brandon, with the seventh most points scored, is one of three teams that have yet to lose a game. Now, Brandon did have a strong showing in Week One and we have only played two weeks, but I need something to write about, so fuck you, Brandon! Brandon is our nerd of the week and sits in the sweet third place spot. He keeps getting the girl despite how poorly his team plays. Dafuq.

The down-on-his-luck nerd that is getting bullied by the other nerds.

Shapwalker (Luke)

Brandon might be a nerd. But that makes Luke some sort of Super-Nerd. In fact, Luke is so nerdy that he is getting beat up and bullied by the other nerds (Brandon beat him last week by scoring 88.50 points). He’s the little shit that reminds the teacher that she forgot to give the class homework. He’s the dweeb whose shirt sleeve is more snot than cloth. He’s the guy that I leaned into too heavily last week to give him too much shit this week. Sorry, Luke. Hope your Week Three is better.

When everyone’s special, no one is.

Team messimandi, (Mandi Jo)

Syndrome in The Incredibles said it best, “When everyone is special, no one is.” The idea that someone being special means they have to be set apart from the rest of the group in some way. Aquaman is no more special than the rest of the Justice League. Captain America is no more special than the rest of the Avengers. Joey Tribbiani is no more special than the rest of the friends. It’s all relative to each other. Some scripts have every character have something special that sets them apart. These scripts become inevitably boring as you have no point against which to judge the characters that are truly special. Some lazy writer decided to write our league super-champ’s season.

Messimandi’s team picked up their first one of the season in the most boring fashion possible. Granted, it’s always good from a fantasy perspective to have your positions get an equal share of the points as that’s far more sustainable than the boom-or-bust style that some players give you. But…it’s far less exciting than a WR who can get you 40 points one week and 6 points the next. Through two weeks, Amanda has had one starter score more than twenty points: the Week Two Steelers DST. Nearly every other player (especially in Week Two) scored in the teens.  That’s good—don’t get me wrong, I wish that my running backs knew how to score more than ten points—but it’s sooooo boring. Excite us, Amanda! Give us that Razzle Dazzle!

The stoner that is barely functional but still wins or passes the test. 

The Tom Toms (Tom)

Side character spends most of the show intoxicated on “insert drug of choice”.  They are forgetful, easily surprised, but always affable. We love these little fuck-ups and all the other characters in the show love them, too. Somehow, some way, these characters luck into succeeding despite half-assing their way through a test or project or fuck-all-else. Tom is that fuck-up this week. 

This… FUCKER… started Austin Ekeler despite him being out for the game. Surely, Justin’s OrangeKrush squad would cruise to an easy win. The writers would never allow this fucker to win shit after such a blunder. Nope. Here come T.J. Hockenson, D'Andre Swift, Tee Higgins, and Tyler Lockett scoring over twenty points each. Tom—sweet, lovable, huggable, Teddy Bear Tom—forgot to replace Ekeler and still scored the second most points of this week. Some of us worked hard to set shit-ass lineups that fell flat on their asses while high-as-hell Tom gave zero fucks and waltzed to a dominating win. Congrats, Tom. You bitch.

Stacked cast, but a shit product. 

Walker Texas Rangers (Mitch)

Sometimes, a movie script or a TV show will come to life with a cast that embodies the characters perfectly. Bryan Cranstone became Walter White. Daniel Day Lewis disappears into every role that he takes on. Margot Robbie is walking Barbie Doll. Other times, a stacked as hell cast can do nothing to redeem shit writing and dumpster directing. Even if you cast Natalie Portman, Evan McGregor, Liam Neeson, and Samuel L. Jackson, they can’t do anything to make Phantom of the Menace better if the writing isn’t there. The product is shit and fantasy football recaps will bring it up 24 years (it’s been 24 years?!??!?!) later.

Our league Co-Champ is sitting at 1-1 like six other leaguemates, but he could be doing so much more. In both of the first two weeks, the Walker Texas Rangers have had six out of nine players fail to meet their expectations. The cast is there, the team is solid—the results suck ass. AJ Brown, in particular, has been especially shit. He is undoubtedly the Jar Jar Binks of Mitch’s team. He has racked up a grand total of 16.30 points over two weeks. Meesa let down Mitch! Get your shit together, Jar Jar. Don’t let us down in Attack of the Clones. Spoiler—it’s the worst one.

The hero carrying everyone on his back.

OrangeKrush23242 (Justin Klavins)

Heroes are sometimes written to be too powerful for writers to use. Superman was written as being nigh invincible. They had to add Kryptonite into the world because a story where the hero has zero weakness is boring as hell. Captain Marvel is a deus ex machina for the writers to pull out when they write themselves into a corner and need unparalleled power. Goku is constantly dead or sick or traveling to the fight while the writers fill episode orders with…filler. These heroes end up being leaned upon while the other subpar heroes—looking at you, Krillin and Iron Man—flop around and die waiting for them. We all know it’s filler. We all know that they’re wasting our time before the hero shows up. And we all wish that the little guys would finally win one without them. No such luck.

Christian McCaffrey is the hero of Justin’s OrangeKrush team. Scoring over 20 points in each of the first two weeks, CMC has shown up while so many other players waste roster spots in his shadow. Without CMC, the rest of the team of Dalvin Cook, Javonte Williams, and Amari Cooper would be throwing away their lives while they wait for some hero to come rescue the team. Unfortunately, these unbeatable heroes do not always show up. Sometimes, these lesser protagonists have to find a way to win on their own. Can Justin’s team find a way to claw their way to victory without CMC’s domination? Or will these writers keep leaning on the same hero week after week?

Let’s all hope that the writers get paid their due and we get a little creativity added back into our seasons. Give us some surprises that we don’t expect. Dazzle us with a spectacle that we’ve never seen before. Give the fans what they’ve wanted for a decade. Give us a commish championship.

Good luck in Week Three, you hot little sluts.

Kisses.