Week Six - TTASPPMSS
Week Six has wrapped up and I’m regaining the ability to type for a bit before my hand and arm start hurting too much—don’t fuck with your nerves—so you guys are finally getting treated to a new article.
Pause for applause.
It will be brief, but that’s better than nothing. Probably.
As you all know, the NFL has recently been a whole lot more interesting. Not because football is suddenly fun and has limited commercial breaks. Not because players are putting up huge numbers in exciting back-and-forth games—Gods forbid a team scores more than 21 points [Ravens (24), Dolphins (42), Commanders (24), Jaguars (37), and Rams (26)]. Seriously, only five of the thirty teams playing this past week put up more than a 3-touchdown score. And it’s definitely not because everyone’s players are staying healthy and fantasy football is finally something more than pain. Nope, the NFL has finally tapped into the one source of entertainment that is guaranteed engagement from audiences with diversity ranging from Justin Shapland to a whole lot of white women. The NFL has done it—they have engaged the Swifties.
Travis Kelce’s latest romantic entanglements have done more for the NFL fandom, viewership, and jersey sales than any other single event in NFL history. Not since the advent of the forward pass has the NFL been more interesting. Now, I could fabricate pull out a bunch of graphs and charts with incontrovertible support for the claims that I have made, but I would not dream of showing you what you already know. Actually, fuck it, here’s some nerd stuff:
(Actual data for NFL interest during the five major events in NFL history.)
Now, the real question—and why this is relevant to Fantasy Football degenerates everywhere—is how can we snag this blonde goddess off the waiver wire and exactly how is her continuing presence scored? That’s simple, and if you don’t already know the answer then, frankly, you’re an idiot. As the all-powerful commissioner of our low stakes league of shitbirds, I am basically God. As your omnipotent messiah, I have added the unparalleled Taylor Swift as an option to your Flex Spot.
“But wait, Justin,” you wonder. “How is that a fair position? Won’t that be the most OP option available to us heathens?”
You are correct. But, keep in mind that she will be virtually unplayable from November 9th-November 26th when the Latin American leg of her Eras Tour resumes in Argentina and Brazil. If you can make it through those three weeks with her sitting on your bench, she will have a strong playoff push before traveling to Tokyo in February.
Back to the most important part of this new position—the scoring. How can we score someone that simply does not see enough actual playing time on the field? How can we work around the fact the Andy Reid refuses to put her in at WR despite the lack of any peewee-level talent at the position? Well, here is the long-awaited answer—The Taylor Alison Swift Points Per Mention Scoring System. Or, the sure-to-be-a-hit acronym of TTASPPMSS. Tuh-Tass-puh-pimms—it just rolls off the tongue. Don’t be surprised to hear that line in one of 1989’s From the Vault selections. I’m thinking “Slut!” is the likely candidate.
This revolutionary new scoring system will keep fans engaged in an increasingly boring product where we are forced to pick existing players off the waiver wire that I’m not even sure exist. Will this lead to more arranged coupling with tie-ins to further expand fan engagement?
Will we see Justin Herbert pretend to be dating Ryan Gosling—I know they’re both straight and married, I don’t care—to pull in those sweet Baby Goose and Barbie fans?
How about Andy Reid getting married to a Dairy Queen so the NFL can Scrooge McDuck their way into that deep pool of Blizzard Bucks?
Or, as I think we all want to see, Lamar Jackson adopting Bluey and seeing that adorable little bitch CGIed on the sideline during each game. That’s a surefire way to get your kids interested in this dumbass sport. Hell, all of these are ways to get me more interested, too.
As both the sport and fantasy get more and more depressing to watch and participate in, we Commissioner-Gods are tasked with making the sport more viable both immediately and in the long-term. It won’t be long until the NFL catches wind of these new ideas and you see them implemented during the 12th Sunday Night Cowboys game of the year. Fucking anything would help make those nights better.
Also, dibs on T-Swift.
