Week One: A game of Inches

Big Foot Sighting Confirmed

You know the old wives tale, “The bigger the shoe, the more likely you are to land out of bounds and lose the game to the Chiefs.” Unfortunately for Isaiah Likely and the rest of the Edgar Allan Poe Fan Club, these wives knew their shit. If you ignore the rest of Likely’s game—9 catches, 111 yards, and a TD—this near-catch by this monster-footed, Raven-haired beauty was a disaster-class in AFC North suckery. Maybe if Likely didn’t have such a massive dong, they’d be sitting at 1-0 right now. It’s really quite the double-edged wang.

                  Actual image from Friday night.

If you were unfortunate enough to suffer through the Packers and Eagles Adventures in Brazil: A Comedy Show on Friday night, you may have noticed that those Sao Paoloans played a trick on us ‘Muricans—they installed a full-fledged ice rink instead of your standard grass/turf landscaping. This would have been great for a match-up between the Philadelphia Flyers and the…wait—why doesn’t Wisconsin have a hockey team? Anyway, players slipped, players slid, players fell. If someone had queued up the proper music, it would have looked like something straight out of a Benny Hill sketch. If any of these miscues led to your players slipping and eventually losing the week, I don’t give a shit. Love got hurt. And as the 1964 classic by our favorite British Power Duo Peter and Gordon sang:

Please lock me away

And don't allow the day

Here inside

Where I hide

With my loneliness.

I don't care what they say,

I won't stay in a world without Love.

Do I now hate Brazil? Yes.

Am I simply misplacing the despondency caused by losing the starting QB of both my favorite team and my fantasy team in the same ill-gotten play? Irrelevant.

Do I find their 7-1 trouncing by the hands of the Germans in the 2014 World Cup that they hosted even more hilarious now? Also yes.

Without looking up who the starting QB for the New England Patriots is, unless it’s Josh Allen, Ole Pat-Pat Kelce-how-much-you-can-save-with-home-and-auto, or the inimitable Jordan Love, Joe Burrow should not be getting so thoroughly outplayed. As a result of this fiasco, the Survivor Pool quickly turned into a Suicide Pact that would make Jonestown blush.

Taylor, Charles, and your fearless Commish all picked the Burrow-led Stripey-Cats to beat those Dunkin’-lovin’ jabronis out of Boston; we were all wrong. Some other idiot picked some other idiot team, too—looks like Tom (aforementioned idiot) picked the Falcons (aforementioned idiot team) to soar a bit higher than they did—so Amanda’s pick of the Chiefs clipping the wings of the Ravens wins the whole damn thing. So anticlimactic.

Anyway, that was practice! Everyone else, join us for Week 2 (and hopefully weeks after that, too) shenanigans!

Did you guys know that Kickers can be your highest scoring players of the week? Jake Moody, a name so emo I just had to draft him, scored a whopping 27.3 points. I don’t have anything clever to say about this; I just wanted to brag a little.

Sorry for the short write-up! I’m working on something bigger, but I figured you jerks could use a little fun after sucking so hard this past week.

Kisses.

-J